She twerks. She belts out songs with laced with drug references and not so veiled references to sexual availability. She sports increasingly provocative apparel and grabs headlines with her on-again, off-again engagement that even the most avid reader of US Weekly and People would be challenged to remain current on. She is Miley Cyrus. Once the adorable princess of the 4-8 year-old set with her atypical problems as a part-time secret pop star, she is now at best a cautionary tale and at worst, every tween mom's living nightmare.
And so parents are left with two choices. Either force themselves and their daughters to avert their eyes from the train wreck that is admittedly at times entertaining, albeit almost always disturbing to witness or allow Miley's atempts to open every door with which she is presented with the lone key of conformity to the image which proves most appealing to the masses to motivate them to equip their own girls with a full key ring as they launch them into adulthood. For this is the crux of the Miley Cyrus crisis: she is a girl attempting to proceed with only one key and doggedly refusing to accept that one size does not fit all when it comes to the locks of life.
During her Hannah years, the key of conformity certainly served its purpose,skyrocketing Miley/Hannah to the top of the pack of Disney starlets vying for the coveted title of Queen Bee. And by being exactly whom Disney wanted her to be, she achieved this. She was on every first grader's dream backpack, smiled out at her young fans from their lunch boxes as they chewed their cheeses sandwiches in the cafeteria, and even cushioned many a pint-sized head at night from her vantage point on her young fans' pillowcases. The Disney machine is a lot like high school where conformity is the ticket to popularity while the non-conformists exist at the fringes, unable to open the door to widespread acceptance and student office but patiently honing their keys of individuality and determination, knowing that these keys will ultimately open the more important portals they will later want to pass through.
The Hannah key of conformity is really not that different from the key of obedience to authority that is the key with which most of us begin our daughter's set. We patiently instruct her as to what is and is not appropriate, preparing her for preschool play groups and elementary experiences. A well-raised child quickly grasps the power of positive reinforcement and understands that meeting the expectations of the authority figure of the moment is a surer means to getting what he or she desires than the tantrums and whining we so often witness at Walmart.
It is easy to understand why Miley's parents and the adults comprising the Hannah machine so carefully crafted that single key in neglect of the other keys of truth to self, surrounding oneself with true companions who will serve as mirrors, forcing a girl to face her flaws and strive to eradicate them rather than sycophants who echo whatever nonsense she spouts or blindly applaud every choice without regard to whether it is the correct one, and an adherence to a set of principles not to be violated no matter how appealing the carrot. The turn of that particular key produced results. The money was flowing, fans were flocking, and endorsement deals were plentiful.
But then Miley grew up, and in order to secure a fan base of her peers and having only that key of conformity in her possession, she was forced to reinvent herself, going from the sweet, innocent adolescent torn between her pop star persona and life as a "regular" girl to the pot-smoking young adult begging for entry into the adult world of success, which she may achieve on a limited scale for the time being, but the longevity of which remains a question only time will answer.
I hope that the answer is kind to Miley, because although she is technically an adult and thus accountable,the grooves on those other, more important, keys of authenticity, genuine comrades and a solid, inviolable moral code take years of carefully crafted experiences to form. Such keys cannot be issued her instantaneously,even by parents or handlers who in hindsight see where it all derailed.
The world has watched other young entertainers develop and learn to wield a full set of keys. Jodie Foster and Claire Danes both took their turns at Yale, taking advantage of the opportunity to truly know themselves before continuing their careers in the adult arena. It is nearly impossible to remain true to a self with whom you are barely acquainted, and the temptation to instead inhabit the skin formed for you by individuals motivated more by self-interest rather than your own best interests is easy to succumb to, even when that skin does not fit.
The reader may wonder which of the two approaches I have adopted. Ella is restricted from listening to Miley's latest offering, a celebration of the party culture. I am often amused by the way that Ella quickly changes the station as soon as she hears the opening strains, checking to be sure that I notice lest I become concerned that she will be led astray by those first instrumental notes. The other night I had to suppress laughter when, on the way home from rehearsal, every other station featured the advertising she so vehemently despises. After what felt like a full fifteen minutes of flipping back to K92 to see if the song had ended and it was safe to listen, she turned to me as we turned onto our street and said, "Mom, this is the very end and there are no drug references or bad things in the rest, so I am not changing the station again before we get home."
I just nodded and smiled inwardly, for although she is restricted from listening,I have made sure she understands why. I have long been a believer that compliance with parental directives is made more facile by reasonable explanations of the rules. Certainly the rationale behind, "Don't chase the ball into the street," was a more comfortable conversation, but explaining why certain songs or movies are off-limits affords me the opportunity to engage her about important issues without having her inundated with messages that run contrary to the way I am raising her. We are ten years in and it is working so far. But I have a strong suspicion that it will be entirely uphill from here.
I combine these restrictions with experiences that will help her to really get to know herself, guidance processing situations that help to separate true friends who will stand by her and can be counted upon to offer her an unflinchingly honest appraisal of her when it is required from the posers, and unambiguous modeling of the principles in which I have encouraged her to believe.
Unlike Miley, Ella will never have to tackle life with an incomplete set of keys. Not if I have anything to say about it. And as her mother, I have everything to say about it.
